Still Valuable

I found another penny today. and I think it holds some lessons for me.

As I was walking, I happened to look down and see it. Because of how damaged it is, I almost didn't. But, I'm glad I did.

This penny has a history. So do I. At times, I feel all banged up. I think that's how I've been feeling lately. Here I am, supposed to be going on this mission trip, and I'm not all shiny and new. Rather, I'm feeling banged up and dirty. A lot like this penny.

And I think, "How can God use a dirty, sinful mess like me?" And then I find this penny, so dirty and darkened and scratched up that you can barely tell it's a penny at all. But I see what's beneath all that. I see what it truly is. And God sees who I truly am. He sees beneath my dirt and scars and sees what I can't.

One wouldn't think so, but this penny still has value. If I were to hand it to a cashier, it would be accepted. I think I'm like this penny. I'm scarred, scratched, darkened, and filthy beyond recognition, but I'm still valuable to Christ. And it's not because of anything I can do myself. It's because of His grace and mercy and love that I have any worth at all.

I'm so thankful that He treasures this filthy mess that's me, and can use me in spite of me.

Simple Trust

So, I'm about to leave for this country I've never been to before. But, before that, I will be meeting my team, the majority of whom I've never met before. Then, I'm going to fly with those people to a country I've never been to before to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a people who feel like they've been forgotten.

And I'm scared.

I thought I'd be able to write on this blog while I was there, but I won't be. Connection will be scarce.

But, this trip is not the only thing I'm scared of. I'm anxious about the future...my future. I'm on a journey, and have been for a while. I'm being told that this journey could come to an end at the end of this summer. And that would be a very good thing. But, I'm just not sure what I think about it. I have so many questions. About so many things.

And the thing Jesus keeps bringing me back to is trust. Simple trust. I say it's simple, but it so isn't. At least it doesn't seem to be. It's so hard. I need courage to do it. I need the guts to trust Him...to trust that He knows what He is doing with me. To trust that His plan for me is good. To trust that I can trust Him. To simply trust.

And He knows this. He knows it's hard. And I have this view of Him that He's angry with me that I don't trust Him...that He's frustrated with me that I struggle with trusting Him. But, that's a lie. A good Father understands. A good Father is patient. A good Father waits for His daughter. A good Father loves despite her struggle to trust. And He provides reminders, as many times as she needs Him to, that she can trust Him.

Wednesday, I found two pennies. Today, I found five. And for some reason, today my friend who cuts my hair gave me a rock in the shape of a heart. I don't know why...she just did. If you know anything about me at all, you'd know that God speaks to me through hearts and when I find pennies, it's God asking me if I trust Him with the stuff I'm worrying about. Knowing those things, you'd know that these findings are significant to me.

He's asking me if I trust Him. Maybe He's asking me if I will trust Him. I think I've been saying 'No.' I'm scared. Again, He knows this.

When I found the pennies on Wednesday, I was reminded of a penny I have here at home. I got it several years ago from a Christian Motorcycle Ministry. It has a cross cut in it. I wore it for several years as a bracelet or necklace. It's lost its shine, as I've worn it in the shower time and time again. I felt prompted to wear it again, as my reminder to trust Him. As I put some string on it, I contemplated where I was going to wear it. I decided to wear it on my ankle. I guess you can say it's my reminder to walk in trust.

I suppose when you decide to trust, fear has no place. This journey I'm on, both to Africa and personally, has a lot of unknowns. I have a lot of questions and uncertainty. And it's quite uncomfortable, not to mention scary. But, when I look at Christ and who He is, I know I can trust Him. There are several people in my life whom I know I can trust. How much more so, then, can I trust the One who made me and them? He holds me in His hands and I know He won't let go. Because of that, I can walk in simple trust.

Here I am, send me

That's what I said in February, when I saw the invitation on Facebook from the team leader. I said it, thinking it wasn't a possibility. But here I am, under two weeks away from jumping on a plane to head to Houston. TX, to meet a team of people I don't know and have not met the majority of, so that I can fly with them to a country I've never been to before, so that I can teach preschool to a group of kids I've never taught before and love a people I've never loved before, let alone knew existed before. And if God wasn't greater than me, I'd think I was crazy. Because this...this is crazy. But in God's Kingdom, it's normal. It's what He calls His people to do sometimes.

Last summer, I had the opportunity to go to Ecuador with a team of people from my church. This summer will be very different. And if I'm honest, I'm feeling a little afraid. Rather than deter me, however, my fear hopefully will drive me to the feet of Jesus, where I will express my utter dependence upon Him.

So, would you pray for me that I would do that?

I created this blog so that you could follow along on this journey I'm about to embark on. I leave the evening of June 15th so that I can be at the airport for my midnight flight on June 16th. I return to the states on July 2nd. If I have the right access, my hope is that I will be able to post here and update you while I'm on this mission.

By the way, the title of this blog is Swahili for 'Missionary'. Swahili is the language spoken in Tharaka, so I only thought it proper here. There are a lot of things I think I'm not, and 'missionary' is one of them. But, when you say, "Here I am, Lord," the things you are not don't matter. He uses the things that are not...(1 Corinthians 1:27-28) and for some crazy reason, He's choosing to use me.